Daft punk. May 21st. This is happening.
Also, It's March 27th. Also it's 2013. I remember in 2007-2009 when I was saying to myself, "Geez, we are never going to make it to 2014. It seems so far away." But now we are actually closer than last year to 2014.
This semester is different. Last semester I was rooming with great, wonderful people. That time period includes memories that wont be forgotten. I learned a lot of things that I otherwise would not of due to the situations I was in with those five great, wonderful people. As this Winter Semester is slowly coming to a close there are more things that have been on my mind.
There are certain types of people who are able to turn their emotions on and off with the flick of a switch. Those types of people are interesting to me. And they can do something that is unfathomable to me. It is so incredibly easy to become emotionally invested in something fast. I can fall in love with an article of clothing (#crewneckcrew) so fast; a person can develop sentiments about individuals that know nothing about them. If these things have no real meaning in my/their life then it's peculiar to imagine what feelings we are capable of together as human beings for each other.
People handle things differently, obviously. Some people develop feelings fast, others slowly; some put up walls to avoid feeling unprotected. Once those feelings reach the threshold though, we put ourselves in the most defenseless position. We are in a place where we can be psychologically roughhoused. The captivating thing about this is that we willingly do this to ourselves without being sure of the outcome.
The off-switch type of people are kind of terrifying. These type of people can make you think, "What did I do in the past twenty-four hours to make you care so, so little?" You sit and wait for a knock on the door or a call or anything and it never comes, especially when you need it. It's almost like people with the off-switch have other superhuman abilities of being able to know just when you need them and then not showing up on purpose.
At first, I was rightfully jealous of these types of people because things seem somewhat easier for them. Do I want things to be "easier" though? Maybe these people have more of a curse than I originally thought. On the other side you have to give these people the benefit of the doubt. They must have their reasons for being like this. Maybe some emotional turmoil left them feeling like independence is the only way to make it through.
As I collect my thoughts it is hard not to question if these people actually can completely turn off their feelings about others. The reason I question this is because I do not understand how it is possible. I guess these individuals will always be of interest to me. Related to being emotionally invested in something I also have been thinking about how difficult it is to forget everything and just be.
Simple existence in the moment is beyond difficult these days. During this time in my life when I am trying to get everything together and study it is so difficult to just sit and be. There are moments when I realize that I am thinking about nothing and then I get angry because there is always so much that could be getting done.
But, then I remember that it is okay to take breaks. Something that we have been doing recently, because of the spring weather, is sitting on the porch. On Sunday night, Mandy and I were stooping and we were talking about a lot of the same things that we always talk about every week. I realized at one point that I was totally zoned out. I wasn't thinking about anything. I was focused on how cold my feet were, which is natural. I wasn't worried about anyone in that moment. I wasn't trying to figure out how to get everything done the next day. In that moment, I was just existing. At that point I realized that simply existing brings about recognition of the situations and predicaments that you're in.
Acceptance happened. No judgement passed; no self-criticism. During that brief five-second moment of focusing on nothing, recognition brought gratitude. Gratitude for being able to sit on my porch with my best friend talking about our lives. Gratitude for an amazing family that I adore so much. Gratitude to have friends who I can trust. Gratitude for the nature that Heavenly Father has blessed us with. Gratitude to be able to make educational goals and being able to reach them.
When you really think about it goals, dreams and aspirations are wonderful, they really are. But, you have to take a moment every once in a blue moon and realize how wonderful things have been thus far. If you keep running and running all the time then you might never learn how to just exist. And that thought may be the worst of all when you think about how short our lives on this beautiful earth are compared to the eternities.
So for now at this point in time for a few seconds, at least, I am going to just breathe, accept the environment I am in and be grateful for things I am blessed with.
