Breezy nights break these walls

Hey all.

Daft punk. May 21st. This is happening. 

Also, It's March 27th. Also it's 2013. I remember in 2007-2009 when I was saying to myself, "Geez, we are never going to make it to 2014. It seems so far away." But now we are actually closer than last year to 2014.

This semester is different. Last semester I was rooming with great, wonderful people. That time period includes memories that wont be forgotten. I learned a lot of things that I otherwise would not of due to the situations I was in with those five great, wonderful people. As this Winter Semester is slowly coming to a close there are more things that have been on my mind.

There are certain types of people who are able to turn their emotions on and off with the flick of a switch. Those types of people are interesting to me. And they can do something that is unfathomable to me. It is so incredibly easy to become emotionally invested in something fast. I can fall in love with an article of clothing (#crewneckcrew) so fast; a person can develop sentiments about individuals that know nothing about them. If these things have no real meaning in my/their life then it's peculiar to imagine what feelings we are capable of together as human beings for each other.

People handle things differently, obviously. Some people develop feelings fast, others slowly; some put up walls to avoid feeling unprotected. Once those feelings reach the threshold though, we put ourselves in the most defenseless position. We are in a place where we can be psychologically roughhoused. The captivating thing about this is that we willingly do this to ourselves without being sure of the outcome.

The off-switch type of people are kind of terrifying.  These type of people can make you think, "What did I do in the past twenty-four hours to make you care so, so little?" You sit and wait for a knock on the door or a call or anything and it never comes, especially when you need it. It's almost like people with the off-switch have other superhuman abilities of being able to know just when you need them and then not showing up on purpose.

At first, I was rightfully jealous of these types of people because things seem somewhat easier for them. Do I want things to be "easier" though? Maybe these people have more of a curse than I originally thought. On the other side you have to give these people the benefit of the doubt. They must have their reasons for being like this. Maybe some emotional turmoil left them feeling like independence is the only way to make it through.

As I collect my thoughts it is hard not to question if these people actually can completely turn off their feelings about others. The reason I question this is because I do not understand how it is possible. I guess these individuals will always be of interest to me. Related to being emotionally invested in something I also have been thinking about how difficult it is to forget everything and just be.

Simple existence in the moment is beyond difficult these days. During this time in my life when I am trying to get everything together and study it is so difficult to just sit and be. There are moments when I realize that I am thinking about nothing and then I get angry because there is always so much that could be getting done.

But, then I remember that it is okay to take breaks. Something that we have been doing recently, because of the spring weather, is sitting on the porch. On Sunday night, Mandy and I were stooping and we were talking about a lot of the same things that we always talk about every week. I realized at one point that I was totally zoned out. I wasn't thinking about anything. I was focused on how cold my feet were, which is natural. I wasn't worried about anyone in that moment. I wasn't trying to figure out how to get everything done the next day. In that moment, I was just existing. At that point I realized that simply existing brings about recognition of the situations and predicaments that you're in.

Acceptance happened. No judgement passed; no self-criticism. During that brief five-second moment of focusing on nothing, recognition brought gratitude. Gratitude for being able to sit on my porch with my best friend talking about our lives. Gratitude for an amazing family that I adore so much. Gratitude to have friends who I can trust. Gratitude for the nature that Heavenly Father has blessed us with. Gratitude to be able to make educational goals and being able to reach them.

When you really think about it goals, dreams and aspirations are wonderful, they really are. But, you have to take a moment every once in a blue moon and realize how wonderful things have been thus far. If you keep running and running all the time then you might never learn how to just exist. And that thought may be the worst of all when you think about how short our lives on this beautiful earth are compared to the eternities.

So for now at this point in time for a few seconds, at least, I am going to just breathe, accept the environment I am in and be grateful for things I am blessed with.

Darling I fear my heart is freezing over

Oh hey. I am the queen of blogging guys, I know.

So this one time Mandy and I went to go see The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was very realistic. I loved how much it made me ponder how the comments we make to others can impact their day or even life. This film was one of those films where you take out your phone to make a note of something that was said because you will actually learn from it. This is what I saved in my phone:

"Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we're nothing?"
"We accept the love we think we deserve."

The Perks of Being a Wallflower came out back in October so, clearly, it has somewhat become a theme that I have kept in the forefront of my mind the rest of this semester. I believe that I have finally gathered my thoughts on the subject.

 If I honestly sit down and think about this interaction of words exchanged by the two main characters, I don't know how much of it is correct. We are our own worst critic and I understand that but, there is a point where you absolutely have to stop putting yourself down. To me, it is alarming that we do not allow ourselves the love we deserve. Is it the melodramatic side of us that wants to always be wishing for more? Or is it really honestly because we are blinded by harsh judgement of ourselves? Hopefully, someone somewhere is being "picked" because they treat the person choosing them in the most loving of ways and vice versa.

Why do people we choose to love treat us like were nothing? I think that it is a two-sided, destructive street that's hard to escape. It's hard to escape because, at least according to me, once you care enough about a person regardless of how they treat you, you don't want to leave them. It's difficult to understand why, if you treat someone as though you love them, that person will treat you as if you don't matter. I'm okay with not being together one hundred percent of the time. I'm even okay with not speaking every day. But, I'm not okay with ingratitude for the love that is shown to people.

And that's a wrap.

I keep dancing on my own

Okay. So this is my problem with blogging: I have nothing cool to say unless something significant happens. I don't want to be that blogger that says things like: I just got out of bed and I am going out to eat with some friends and then I'm going to do some homework and oh, here's a picture of me that I want you to comment on... I guess that's why I am having a difficult time with keeping a blog because my life is pretty normal.

But, there is something I want to talk about. Maybe a few things that I want to talk about. Let's have a conversation about change. Things change all the time. People come and go. Someone that was in my life a few months that I thought would never leave is now someone that I rarely speak with. Some things that I did frequently before are things that I will never do again. It is so strange to think about.

Things can seem arbitrary at times; but, I always have a basic schedule. Being in college, that schedule changes every semester. This change in schedule can be seen as positive or negative depending on how the schedule is affecting me on a specific day. Today, I feel positive about it. For the past week or so I have been a stand-in for the Energizer Bunny, I promise. I have been at school, work and then the library. And guess what? I feel great. I feel successful. I am so tired. Sometimes it is a good tired sometimes a bad tired, it depends. On a side note can I just mention how much the word depend has shown up in my life recently? It's interesting.

Change is a great thing, guys. Change can give you new perspectives and realize that things that you thought you would be doing soon maybe won't ever happen. Change can help you realize that you can be happier in different situations. Change can get you to meet inspirational or even terribly depressing people that you would never of met. Change can put you in environments where you hear things that your ears would never of heard. Yeah, that's it about change.

Now let's have another one way conversation where I tell you my recent thoughts about how we treat others. Recently, in my intro to film class there was a situation. I was reaching into my backpack to get out my water bottle. Side note: Water is the greatest thing in the world, not kidding. Anyways, I almost knocked over someone's art portfolio but caught it before it fell. I smiled and said sorry. Although, the person who's portfolio it was glared at me as if I was the department head of their desired degree telling them they aren't good enough. I didn't say anything I just turned around and drank my water.

This interaction was not anything monumental and by no means made me angry; but, it helped me in a bigger way. Treating others with respect is normal to me. But, for some strange reason recently I have noticed in my surroundings that disrespect happens all too often. Now, I realize that we all have our own problems and every once in a while I find myself poking fun at others. This is not what I'm talking about though. I am talking about the people that bump into you without acknowledging what they did. I'm talking about the people that steal ideas and call them their own. Bottom line, don't be unreasonably rude and be reasonably respectful.

I'm done but I just have to point one more thing out. If you know me you know how I feel about Anne Frank. One of the reasons why I love her can be seen through this essay she wrote called Give... "People are just people, and all people have faults and shortcoming, but all of us are born with basic goodness. If we were to start by adding to that goodness instead of sifling it, by giving poor people the feeling that they too are human beings, we wouldn't necessarily have to give money or material things, since not everyone has them to give."

May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground

So today was a good day. Do you want to know why? Because I didn't do anything. Even though a lot of the time I feel like I should be doing something; today was not one of those days. I woke up around 11 and went downstairs to let Charlie go outside to go potty. I watched the Food Network because, let's be honest, that channel was made to make me enjoy lazy days. I don't know why I love it so much, it's pretty unsettling, but a good episode of Chopped is great for me.

After that I decided to clean some pairs of shoes. I'm not sure why, but working at Costco makes my shoes turn an ugly shade of gray. Which I don't appreciate. So I scrubbed with some good old Clorox Clean-up as well as Oxiclean (RIP Billy Mays) to get the job done. I had four pairs of shoes to clean so it took quite a while. I listen to fabulous music whilst doing this. It was pretty satisfying especially after they came out of the washing machine as clean as a baby's booty.

Theeen, I decided to venture into the Land of Netflix to find something to feast my eyes on until I needed to make dinner for my mom. I haven't watched a documentary in a hot minute so I decided on one of those puppies. I have, in the past, heard mixed reviews about the documentary Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead but I wanted to check it out myself. It was fabulous. It was about this man from Australia that was overweight and had been on steroids his whole life because he has a skin disease. He realized that the reason why he was doing so poorly was that he was trying to cure himself from the outside, not the inside. So, he came to America to meet with some famous nutritionist to help him begin a 60 day juice diet. A juicer. Fruits and vegetables. And water. That's it.

Guys. He lost 75 pounds. When he returned to Aussieland his colleagues reported that they sensed his ideas came across clearer and his approach to others was more positive. Because of juice. The man also said that he knew he couldn't continue this forever; it was being used as a buffer zone in between the nearly dead him and the new him. That part of his idea made sense to me because everyone says that in the post diet phase you bow down to old habits and gain the weight back. But, if you go from the extreme of eating only fruits and vegetables for sixty days and then eat fast food again immediately, you're stupid. Your body cannot handle the grease because it has become a foreign substance during that sixty day period. Therefore, in this situation, it would be more difficult to revert back to the older lifestyle. The inherently easier decision to make would be to adopt the new healthy lifestyle of mindful eating.

Conclusion: When I venture back to Utah for the new semester I want to do a juice diet. For a few reasons. Honestly, it's not that expensive if you don't use the fancy stuff. And when you think about it using that money that you would use to eat out/for groceries can be used to buy fruits and vegetables. I don't know how extreme I am going to be about this, but I do know that I am contemplating the idea. Also, I want to be healthy. I want to develop the habit of sensible eating now so that I don't become a fatty when I am a mom. I would never let that fear overtake me. Judge me for it but I think it's a good idea. At least for a month or so. The results can only be positive.

PS. In some marvelous beyond marvelous news I found out today that The Perks of Being a Wallflower is coming out in the fall. Hopefully it's a good book-to-movie adaptation because I loved the book.

But just for now I let the spring and storm return

Hello. I am officially in North Carolina. Yeah.

So, the trip went well. After a not-fun airport experience that consisted of sitting in a cramped seat in a small airplane for three hours while "technical difficulties" were being taken care of I finally arrived in San Antonio. A place that I have not been to in 10 years. While my mom pointed out 100 different things on the road I was thinking about how long a decade really is. The last time I was in Texas I was 10 years old. I was that little dorky kid that only cared about her daddy and looking for weird things outside. Now I'm a 20 year old college student. So much has changed. It was a strange experience that I will touch on more later.

I did not have much time to think about anything once we arrived at The Lazy Star Ranch in Austin. What a strangely fabulous place! Okay, think of a cabin. Now think of an antique store or a flea market with cool rusty items. Now put the two together. That is the place I stayed at during my cousin's wedding. There was a rocking horse on top of the stove. There was saddles hanging from the wall. The ceiling of the bathroom was completely covered in license plates. Now, I realize that this is a decorator's nightmare; but, it was so rad. The wedding went as expected. There was so much personality in all of the individuals involved. It was definitely a weekend to be remembered with no dull moments at all. It is so strange that Darin is married but I am so excited for him and Stef. Loves to them.

On Sunday, my mom and I traveled to San Antonio to visit our old ward. First of all, it did not look the same to me at all. People recognized me and I honestly had no idea who they were. My mom explained who I was and most everyone's jaw dropped because I was "so grown up." But, then they asked if I was graduated from high school yet. So, of course, when I said I was twenty it was jaw drop numero dos. Needless to say, I felt kind of out of body all day. My house from my childhood didn't look the same to me at all. It is so weird to think about how your memories are impacted by the present. I thought about that all say Sunday because nothing I saw looked the same as I remembered it. Let's just say that I am glad we moved to North Carolina and leave it at that.

The best part of the trip came unexpectedly on Sunday at church. Please know that I am not trying to brag or anything it was just really important to me and was maybe sort of life changing. Stop reading if you are going to get bored fast..

Anyways, this requires some background information because you wont understand why it's so important to me if you don't hear this. When we lived in Texas there was a girl named Hannah who was one of my best friends. I am not particularly sure why we were because we had nothing in common because she could not speak well. Hannah was autistic and could only give one-word commands. She had terrible behavioral problems and could hold the emotional capacity of a 5 to 6 year old girl. Anyways, she was one of my really good friends. Okay back to the present time, I guess.

My mom and I were talking to an old friend just chatting and catching up..blah, blah, whatever. This man walked up to us and excused himself but asked who we were. I told him my name was Kirby and we were just visiting for the day. He proceeded to tell me that his name was Roland and that he was Hannah's father. He went off on a rampage about how his daughter wasn't there and at the same time we were still talking to some other people in the hallway so I wasn't paying attention. Out of the corner of my peripheral hearing (yes, I did just say that) I heard him speaking with his wife on the phone. He was so excited about something and talking about how I was in town. The next thing I know he is telling me that his wife is actually going to get Hannah right now from her living facility so she could come me. I was glad that I could see her but I didn't understand why he was so excited. The story that Roland proceeded to tell me is still crazy to me.  Hannah  has a type and talk app on her ipad that helps her to communicate clearly. Apparently, more frequently than anything else she types my name into her ipad with words like friend, girl, glasses, play, etc. Her father told me that she only remembers me from that time in her life. What? Why? What did I have any impact in her life? If anything, I learned from her about how beautiful God's creations are. Why does she remember me so well?

So, of course, I had a mini-breakdown inside my head about the meaning of life and the role of people in each other's lives. If you're still reading and to make a long story even longer, I sat with Hannah for a good hour and talked with her about a few things. She braided my hair and held my hand just like she used to. She stared at me for a good ten minutes. She knew just who I was but she was confused as to why I wasn't the same 10 year old. It was honestly one of the coolest things that have happened to me in a while. Guys, I cried. I rarely cry. I guess this just was a big testament to me of the impact we have on other people's lives that we have no idea about, which is something that I have been thinking about so much lately.

Yeah. That's the trip. I am home now. Don't ask me how I feel about being here in Greensboro because I still don't know. Sunshine and peace to all.

You'd never know just where you gotta go

Yeah, I know. I just did this. The reason why I did this? I still haven't really decided. Maybe it's because I am doing absolutely nothing all day and television doesn't sound interesting. Or maybe it's because my art teacher said that writing is a way for artists to hash out their feelings about culture, art and life. Whatever the reason is I'll figure it out. And I'll let you know. 

So, I realize that this is something that no one is going to read. And if they do, their names will be Amanda or Rachel. My sisters for life. That's fine with me. I think that this is something that I am doing more for myself. One would ask..why not just keep a journal? My answer to this is something that I have decided all bloggers can identify with. Having your person ideas and activities known for anyone to read is definitely exhilarating. That's why I decided to become part of the blogging community I guess..to hash out some feelings and let a couple of non-existing strangers read some stuffs about my life.

Finals are over. Winter semester is over. College is so weird. Whenever I talk to anyone about what college as a whole teaches you, I think of the word change. For four months straight, we all do the same thing. We go to the same place at nighttime. We go to the same lectures halls for class each day and have lunch during the same time. You become so accustom to this schedule and don't realize that it's temporary. That blows. It comes to the end and you just say to yourself, "Last day of class? I just recently had to stop looking up my class schedule at night to remember what time I needed to set my alarm." That's how it goes. You finally get used to your apartment, the people around you and the classes you're in and then it's over. It's a learning experience but, it is so detrimental to the sociological part of the brain.

I am going to Texas next week for my cousin's wedding. It should be a fabulous time. I will be there with my mom, who I only saw a few weeks ago. I'll go to a few places I remember from when I was younger.  I anticipate feeling old when, I know, I'm part of the young crowd in Provo. The trip should be an interesting variety of nostalgia, serious happiness and sadness from leaving Utah for a few months. I'll make sure to take notes on how it goes.

Kirbs